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Sex in the Garden

August 17, 2009

8th Oct 2006

Mrs D and I were enjoying a rare moment of domestic harmony yesterday. The sun was shining and we were sat on the patio sharing a bottle of Merlot.

Mrs D was in a mellow mood – I’d finally got round to cutting the grass she’d been nagging me about for weeks. She congratulated me.

“You’ve done a good job. The garden looks so much better now you’ve cut the grass. Look, you can see the trees now” – (sarcastic cow!)

Of course, being Mrs D, she couldn’t resist adding …

All you need do now to finish it off is get the strimmer out and do the edges. And that bush needs cutting back – its getting out of control. And the shed could do with a lick of paint. And …….

Man in Hammock Cartoon200I’ve found over the years that my brain has this uncanny ability (its a survival trait most married men possess) to listen to Mrs D (or give the appearance of listening) without hearing any actual words. My brain reduces her speech to a background droning noise leaving me free to think about more important matters, e.g., how did Celtic get on yesterday?

An occasional ‘grunt’ – which can be interpreted as either ‘yes’ or ‘no’ – is enough to assure Mrs D that I am hanging on to her every word.

Whether it was the exertion from cutting the grass, the sun, the wine, or the drone of Mrs D’s voice – or a combination of these things – at some point during our ‘conversation’ I drifted off to sleep.

I awoke with the vague awareness that the droning noise to my right had subtly altered. It now sounded less like a drone and more like a ’slurping’ sound. I glanced to my right. Mrs D had vanished. In her place was a slobbering beast! One of our dogs – ‘bonnie’ – taking advantage of Mrs D’s absence, was helping herself to the glass of wine she had left by the side of her chair. While I was debating with myself the best moment to tell Mrs D the dog had had her tongue down her glass – before, or after, she had topped it up again – I lifted my own glass to my lips. And . . . “Bloody Hell!”

Now I’m a broad minded sort of chap. What a couple get up to in their own home is entirely up to them. As long as they are consenting adults and their behaviour causes no hurt, embarrassment or offence to others, then fair do’s. I believe there’s a right time and a right place for everything. And the right place for sexual activity is NOT in my bloody wine glass!

I kid you not. The glass was inches from my mouth when I spotted two f*cken flies fornicating in my drink. I ‘fished’ the offenders out. Mrs D cautioned me about my colourful language. I explained the extenuating circumstances, turned back to my glass. And there was another bloody fly in my drink! If my language had been ‘blue’ before, it was every colour of the rainbow now.

There appears to be no defence against these wee buggers. They don’t make any noise , so you can’t hear them coming. They’re tiny, so you can’t see them approach. One minute your glass is clear. The next moment, the miscreants are swimming (or worse) in your drink. I understand one can buy special ‘bug screens’ to cover your glass in times like these. This was an emergency, though. Desperate measures were called for. I was forced to improvise. Fortunately, I had the very thing to hand (head). Primitive, I know – but effective. The price of wine being what it is, I begrudge having to share a bottle with Mrs D without the bloody wildlife scrounging free drinks !!!

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. August 17, 2009 7:10 am

    I thought fly sperm was what made all drinks at an outdoor party taste different to indoors?

    • August 17, 2009 8:25 am

      I think I’m about to recycle the flame grilled steak chip that just went down!

    • August 17, 2009 9:59 pm

      Yuk – I don’t want to think about it

  2. August 17, 2009 8:13 pm

    Maybe Mrs D can purchase you a sippy cup.

  3. August 18, 2009 6:34 am

    They were just adding protein to your drink, Duncan.

    • August 18, 2009 10:07 pm

      ‘adding protein’ ???

      Any benefit of extra protein is more than outweighed by the life-threatening consequences of swallowing a fly !!!

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