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A bit of a Chump

August 26, 2009

4th Nov 2006

We have been invited to a christening in a few weeks. Mrs D has checked the 2 double wardrobes containing her clothes and discovered she has ‘absolutely nothing’ to wear and must have a new outfit. While she was at it, she examined my own more modest collection of clothes reserved for formal occasions – 2 white shirts, one black tie, 2 pair of dark trousers, 1 tweed jacket (20+ years old), 1 kilt, 1 ‘day jacket’ (to be worn with kilt), and 1 black evening jacket (likewise to be worn with the kilt) – and found it wanting. In particular, she decided it ‘wanted’ a suit. I have never possessed a suit so Mrs D has been waging a war of attrition to persuade me that it was time I had one. In short, Mrs D decided I should have a ‘makeover’

As part of her campaign she sought to enlist the help of Trinny and Susannah – so called ‘style gurus’ broadcasting on TV. She made me watch a programme with her in which a ‘manly’ bloke was given the Trinny and Susannah treatment. Mrs D was impressed with the transformation. “Doesn’t he look smart?”, she said.

Now I freely admit I know nothing about fashion, but I do know a ‘dork’ when I see one. The tousled hair, stubbly chin, paint-splattered jeans, and faded check shirt – (In short, a man’s man!) – were gone. In their place was a right ‘Jessie’. Neatly groomed hair, clean-shaven, dressed in gleaming white round-neck tshirt under a red vneck pullover, and wearing a pair of slacks, the poor sod put me in mind of a puppet from one of those Gerry Anderson TV programmes from the ’60’s. I intimated to Mrs D this was not a style I wished to emulate –

If you think I’m going out in public dressed like a f*cken puppet ……”

Mrs D tried another tack. “You’ve got a bit of a belly on you. You won’t get in to your kilt”.

I have to confess she was right. In the 6 months since last I wore my kilt, the beer and wine has altered my shape. The slim waist, flat stomach, taut muscles have gone. I have gained a couple of inches round the waist – (well 3.1/2 inches if you insist on accuracy) – and developed a definite paunch. Mrs D put it less delicately. “You look f*cken pregnant!

Try as I might, I couldn’t fasten the buckles on the kilt. Consequently, at my advanced age, I am now the ‘reluctant’ owner of ‘a suit’.

Mrs D says I look really smart in my new clobber. I think I look a bit of a chump

What do you think?

9 Comments leave one →
  1. August 26, 2009 7:26 am

    Well worked story. Both new manifestations seem to have attitude though, a man’s last resort in the face of wimmindoom on the march.

    COI This comment has not been approved by my wife, yet.

  2. August 26, 2009 12:23 pm

    If that Guinness belly was you then the Mrs. is right! And, the chimp on the right is dashing, mysterious and quite hip! Go for it…. as if you have an option, right?

    I learned long ago not to challenge my then husband. Early in our marriage he dressed in a most inappropriate fashion for some event, in my opinion. I commented, something like, “you’re not wearing that, are you?” He promptly, obediently agreed and went back upstairs to change. He returned wearing a wide, out of date tie with BUDWEISER and the logo scattered over the whole damn thing ! No more words were required at that point!

  3. August 26, 2009 3:00 pm

    only 6 months, huh…..are you sure it wasn’t more like 6 years?

  4. August 26, 2009 10:13 pm

    Not to worry, Duncan.

    Your kilt-tightening gut is nothing compared to the one adorning the bird on the right in the photo, whom I presume to be either Trinny or Susannah.

    I also presume that she has calved by now. What’s your excuse?

  5. November 10, 2009 4:56 pm

    Everyone deserves a makeover! Who wears a kilt?

    • November 10, 2009 7:58 pm

      Hi Susan

      Thanks for dropping by

      Hhmm – “Everyone deserves a makeover!”

      You’re nor related to Mrs D, by any chance ? 😉

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