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Too much Alcohol can lead to . . .

August 31, 2009

22nd Nov 2006

I recently made a donation to Charity.

In a spirit of generosity – or under the influence of a generous supping of spirits – I had donated rather more than I should have, given the perilous state of my account at the time. As a consequence, I received a letter from those Hardfaced, Shitty, Bloody, Crooks – or as they prefer to call themselves the HSBC Bank – drawing my attention to the fact I was overdrawn. While I was trying to work out whether it was the drink, the glaucoma, or a combination of the two that had led me to miss key the amount I wished to donate, Mrs D passed me a second letter.

envelope-200Nowadays, the majority of letters I receive are offers of new credit cards, Insurance policies for the over 50’s (no Medical required), or bloody Saga holidays! The address on this envelope, however, was handwritten. I viewed it with suspicion. I had a feeling of foreboding. How right I was!

I read the letter. I read it again. I read it a third time. I examined the envelope. Yes, it was addressed to me. I read the letter again. It said ……

Dear Duncan

Just a wee note to thank you for agreeing to deliver the Toast “The Immortal Memory” at our Burns Supper on the 26th January 2007

This was a mistake, surely! I had not agreed to give a speech. I hadn’t even been asked! I communicated my surprise/puzzlement to Mrs D.

What the f*ck’s this!

I passed the letter over. As she read it, an evil grin spread slowly across her face.

That’s right”, she said. “He asked you at last years Burns Dinner, and you agreed to do it


On the night to which Mrs D referred, we had agreed it was her turn to drive. As the “designated drunk” for the evening, I took full advantage of the situation – helped in no small measure by the ‘free’ wine served at the table – and by the time the meal was over and the floor was being cleared for the dancing, I was well and truly ‘legless’ – I understand that my subsequent performance of the Eightsome Reel has occasioned much comment since!

Whisky-200While waiting for the dancing to commence, Mrs D and I moved to the bar (where else?) and I got into conversation with the organiser of the event. I bought him a drink. He bought me one in turn. I bought him another drink. He bought …..

Mrs D thinks it was somewhere around the 5th or the 6th double whisky when he asked me, and I agreed, to deliver the principle speech to the 300+ guests attending the 2007 function.

You might have told me sooner!” I said. ‘That was 10 months ago. Ten bloody months when I could’ve been giving some thought to this. Instead I’ve got less than two months now to cobble something together!’

drunk-dude-11-300I did”, she replied. “The following morning.

But, perhaps you didn’t quite hear me – you were in the toilet at the time!

5 Comments leave one →
  1. August 31, 2009 4:37 am

    The combination of wine and whisky only ever has one outcome, lots of whinning the next day!

  2. Lynn permalink
    August 31, 2009 11:33 pm

    havent you ever heard that wine before liquor never been sicker and liquor before wine will leave you feeling fine? designated drunk..i like that…good luck on your speech duncan! 🙂 when youre done i have a lot of booze for you here, afterwards, i’d like to talk about an airline ticket you’ll buy me for christmas!

    • September 1, 2009 2:01 pm

      Airline ticket ??? 😯

      Christmas ??? 😯

      Something you want to tell me, Lynn !!! 😉

  3. August 31, 2009 11:42 pm

    did you give the speech?

    • September 1, 2009 6:40 am

      there were tears streaming down the cheeks of the audience !!! 😉

      To be fair to Mrs D – even if I’d known earlier in the year about the speech, I would probably have left it to the last minute anyway. 😳

      (I’m a terrible procrastinator and work best when in a state of increasing panic at the sign of an approaching deadline) 😆

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