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Ouch !!!

September 9, 2009

3rd Feb 2007

Something happened to me on Friday, 19th January.

Part of my life has “disappeared”. There was no warning. Nothing to indicate it would be different to any other Friday night. As is our want on a Friday, Mrs D and I had gone to the pub on our way home from work. And, as always, we shared a bottle of wine with our meal. Back home, I took the dogs round the park while Mrs D (lazy cow!) settled down in the living room to watch TV.

Having come back from the park and fed the dogs, I sat down at the kitchen table to deal with some emails.

Some time later I thought – “bloody hell, my head hurts!

I couldn’t focus on the screen of my laptop. I got up to go through to the living room and everything ‘swayed’. I put a hand out to steady myself and made it to the living room, hanging onto the wall.

Bloody Hell‘, said Mrs D when she saw me. ‘Look at the state of your face?

Now I’m honest enough to admit that I’m not the most handsome of men. I’m more of an acquired taste where looks are concerned, but after all the years we’ve lived together it seemed a bit late in the day for Mrs D to start being critical of my looks !!!

I had to admit she had a point, though. The mirror revealed a bump on my forehead, some grazes, and a black eye. I was also becoming aware that my right shoulder was sore.

How I came by these injuries, I have no idea

Mrs D saw it as a challenge – a mystery to be solved.

sexysherlock-300She watches a lot of detective films on TV and knew what to do.

Taking her cue from the great Sherlock Holmes she considered all the evidence (that didn’t take long) before imparting her conclusions to me.

Mrs D deduced I must have fallen, hit the floor with my right shoulder, and smacked my head against something upright. From the absence of any marks on my hands, she further deduced I must have been unconscious before I hit the floor – else, my natural reaction would have been to put out my hands to break my fall.

Best go to the hospital‘, said Mrs D

No.‘ I said. ‘I’ll be all right. I’ll have an early night and I’ll be better in the morning.

So saying, I took myself off to bed. I turned on to my left side. Almost immediately, the bed, the walls, everything in the room started swaying violently and I felt myself about to be sick. I closed my eyes to shut out visual images and rolled back onto my back. Things settled down. A few minutes later I tried turning on my left side again. Same thing. Whole room and objects in it started swaying and I felt nauseous.

soreheadMore symptoms became apparent the following morning. An inability to chew anything without a pain shooting up the right side of my face suggested to Mrs D that I might have fractured my right cheekbone in the fall. My inability to remember anything immediately before or after the incident (whatever it was) and dizziness every time I tried to move indicated to Mrs D I was suffering the effects of concussion. As usual, she was full of naff advice

You need to see a doctor. Put your shoes on. I’ll drive you to the Hospital

I respectfully declined this suggestion.

‘F*ck off !’

When I last visited a hospital a few months ago I was sexually assaulted by a perv in a white coat – I was not anxious to repeat the experience !!!

Having a man fondle my private parts while sticking a tube in my penis and pumping a couple of gallons of water into my bladder was bad enough. But while I was pleasantly distracted by the nurse – a very attractive, buxom lass – gently holding my ‘bits’ in her left hand while dabbing me dry with her right, I felt something hard entering me from behind.

doctorNow my knowledge of medicine is limited, but it seemed to me that the perv doctor was spending an inordinate amount of time with his digit rammed up my arse. More than one would imagine strictly necessary for an examination of my prostate. When I recounted details of my ordeal – (omitting mention of the buxom nurse!) – to Mrs D afterwards, I could have sworn there was a gleam of amusement in her eye, and the hint of a smile on her face.

While reluctantly accepting I would not go anywhere near a hospital, Mrs D insisted I keep off the alcohol while I was suffering from concussion. It has been 2 weeks now since I have had a drink. And it has been ‘hell’. How people get through the day being sober is beyond my understanding. I always thought I was quite good at walking – been doing it for years as a matter of fact – but the last couple of weeks I’ve had to think about what I’m doing. Since I’ve been sober, I’ve noticed how nearby objects appear to ‘move’ as you walk past them – makes me feel quite dizzy. I have to keep my eyes focussed on the sky ahead when walking – this in itself poses some risks – to stop myself falling over. Mrs D (silly cow) has this ridiculous idea that I’m still suffering from concussion.

My own ‘scientific’ theory is that my dizziness when walking is down to lack of alcohol. Sailors who have been at sea for a time learn to compensate for the rolling motion of the ship and then have difficulties making the adjustment to walking when ashore. In the same way, my body has got used to walking with a certain degree of alcohol sloshing about inside me. Take the drink away and I’m unbalanced – just like a sailor trying to find my ‘land legs’ – hence my dizziness. The sooner I can get a drink in me the sooner I’ll be back to ‘normal’. For some reason, Mrs D can’t seem to understand this explanation. But then, she always was crap at science when she was at school.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. September 9, 2009 7:36 am

    Autogeneratedpossiblerelatedpost 3 above is a hoot BTW.

    Two weeks on the waggon of sobriety, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

  2. Lynn permalink
    September 9, 2009 7:51 pm

    well duncan…you have quite a quandry! perhaps getting back on the sauce is not the best idea? you may awake one day to find out you suffer from more than a black eye and some bruises. i’m nobody but i will admit that this post is worrisome. i’ll be back later to check in on you! be nice to mrs D!

    • September 10, 2009 9:08 pm

      bothered me a bit too, lynn.

      Even weeks after, when I could walk without feeling dizzy, I was still having to hold on to the counter when paying for goods in shops to stop myself swaying. Was a long time before I was back to normal and didn’t have to concentrate so hard when walking or standing to stop myself feeling woozy.

      I don’t like doctors or hospitals though and so I have to be really, really ill before I’ll go to one. I’ve only seen my GP about half a dozen times in the last 25 years.

      My sovereign cure for any ailment I might have is – 1/4 – 1/3 cup of whisky with 2 teaspoons of sugar, hot water, and a dash of orange or lemon juice. May not work for everyone – but it always makes me feel better !!! 😆

  3. September 9, 2009 11:51 pm

    Just make sure you don’t drink with Dr. Perv or you may wake up with a sore bottom again.

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