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Caught in the Act !!!

September 14, 2009

18th Mar 2007

Mrs D caught me at it the other night. I had promised her, after the last time, that I wouldn’t do it again. Yet here I was betraying her trust once more. To say she was none too happy would be an understatement!

‘What the f*ck are you doing?’, said she – in a whisper that could be heard 100 yards away!

‘What does it look like I’m doing?’ I replied.

‘It looks like you’re having a piss in the f*cken street.’ said Mrs D. ‘What if one of the neighbours sees you?’

‘It’s 2am in the morning’, I replied. ‘Who’s going to see me?’

‘You never know’, said Mrs D. ‘There’s some funny buggers about at this time of the night’ – glancing in my direction?

It only takes one person to catch you at it and call the cops. How are you going to explain yourself then?’

‘I’ll tell them the truth’, I said. ‘I’m doing it for Wee Rab – so he doesn’t get lost. It’s part of his training. I’m putting my scent on our driveway to help him find his way home if he gets separated from us in the park.’

Over the years, I have developed my own method of dog training which has little in common with that espoused by Barbara Woodhouse – a swift toe up his arse when he started to stoop, and Wee Rab soon got the message the house was not an acceptable place to do his toilet! And forget ‘girlie’ tricks like ’sit’ and ‘beg’. In the short while he has been with us I have already taught Wee Rab the essential skills required to survive in our house:-

a. He knows how to find his way home from the park on his own.

b. More importantly, he knows his way home from the pub – for those occasions when my own navigational skills are somewhat impaired.

c. He knows not to ’savage’ my slippers (Mrs D’s, however, are fair game).

d. He knows to ‘run like hell’ when Mrs D’s in a foul mood.

e. But perhaps most important of all, I’ve trained Rab to bark when Mrs D comes into the house. This early warning device gives us both a few precious seconds to hide any signs of inappropriate activity we might have been engaged in during her absence. Unfortunately I underestimated Mrs D’s cunning.

slob300Returning from a trip to the shops yesterday, she didn’t enter the house immediately. Instead she went round the back to drop some stuff off on the patio. Glancing through the patio doors, she spied Wee Rab ‘playing’ with one of her new slippers while I was sat drinking beer, farting, and watching the Scotland vs France rugby match on TV – the pile of ironing she’d left me to do, still untouched.

In the light of what followed, I am now stepping up Rab’s training. It is not enough that he warns if Mrs D attempts to enter the house through the front door or the kitchen door. Yesterday highlighted the need to teach him to bark if he senses Mrs D’s presence in the garden also! It’s that, or install CCTV to warn of the approach of ‘enemy combatants

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Me in here permalink
    September 14, 2009 6:56 am

    You can do product placement for the consumables in the piccy; not the shreddies though.

  2. September 14, 2009 9:43 am

    I get uncontrollable giggles every single time I picture Duncs pissing in the street at 2 in the morning!

    He has YET to convince me he was “marking his scent” for Wee Rab!

    Personally, I think Duncs is a secret wee walker!

    • September 15, 2009 9:30 am

      Julie – how can you think such a thing of me 😯

      You know everything I write here is true !!!

      (P.S. and it worked – Wee Rab has never got lost, not even once, na-na-na-na-na) 😆

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