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Seemed like a Good Idea . . .

January 6, 2010

23rd Oct 2008

A certain HR lady (let’s call her Tracey – well, it is her name) had a wizard wheeze one day. Our company had not long ago become part of the global ITT giant. What better way to help foster good inter-company relations than a football competition.

First mistake – the date of the 1st fixture – Thursday night, the evening before the last day of our Financial month. Our MD was not amused.

“A fuckin football match is no bloody excuse for failure if we don’t reach the monthly target !!!”

Second mistake – Tracey decided it wasn’t enough that she finally managed to scrape together a team. She must have supporters as well. Problem was it was an ‘away’ match. No-one could be arsed. She decided an incentive (bribe) was needed. She advertised that there would be a ‘free’ bar. The handful of ‘genuine’ supporters was swelled by a huge rush of folk going along for the beer..

a.) Operations Managers in a panic re ½ the workforce disappearing on 2nd last day of our financial month, and the distinct possibility that a good few of them would be too pissed to turn up for work on Friday

b.) Purchasing Dept. frantically phoning around trying to hire a coach. No company with any coaches available, all are fully booked. At last minute one is found. Because of short notice, however, insists on Cash.

c.) Accounts mobilised. Bloke from goods inwards despatched in company van with £495 in cash (in a brown envelope) to seal deal with ‘Happy Dazes’ bus Company – with instructions to (a.) get a receipt (b.) not to hand the money over if the place looks a bit ‘dodgy’. He returns and tells folk the last time he saw a coach like that it was being used by St Trinians. The good news though is that the company will be providing us with 2 drivers for the coach, and one of them has a licence. The girl who made the booking is almost in tears uncertain how much he is winding her up. He confesses he was lying about the 2 drivers. There will only be one driver and his dog. The dog is ever so well behaved and will sit quietly by the drivers side during the journey – barking ‘once’ for ‘turn left’ and twice for ‘turn right’

d.) – Union Rep approaches Tracey and Operations Manager with complaint from the remaining work force who think it unfair that some folk are getting a ‘free’ afternoon off work and want to know if they can have the time off too. Operations Manager tells Union rep –

‘no they fucking can’t!

In which case, says Union Rep to Tracey – having anticipated that response from the Ops Manager – what provision is the Company making to recompense workers who are not getting time off work, not getting free beer, and are having to cover the work of those who are receiving those ‘benefits’?

Tracey retires to her office in tears.

Thus a move designed to promote greater inter-company cohesiveness has ended up creating intra-company divisions where none existed before.

Breaking News – the new ‘one size fits all’ strips arrived this morning. The coach carrying our heroes departed 10 minutes ago. And it’s now gone very quiet here – the remaining workforce having apparently decided to finish early this afternoon – after an extended tea-break.

More Breaking News – Tracey has been escorted from the premises

2 Comments leave one →
  1. January 6, 2010 1:30 pm

    From what I have gleaned of Anita through your words in the last few months, she would enjoy you continuing the tale albeit in her absence.

    So, who escorted Tracey away? Police, looney bin staff, the opposite team?

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