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More Buggery for Bugger All

January 15, 2010

19th Mar 2009

Right, Mr Robertson. – you can pull your trousers up.

I can ‘t see anything obviously wrong. But just to be sure, I’d like to book you in for a barium enema.’

She punched a few keys on her PC, then scribbled on a piece of paper which she passed to me , saying –

Hand this in at Reception and they’ll make an appointment for you to have the enema

I headed back to the Reception Desk – keeping a wary eye out for Liz. No sign of her. I breathed a sigh of relief

Sorry’, said the girl on the desk. ‘I can’t book you in here. You need to go down the stairs. Turn right at the bottom. Then follow the concourse round until you come to a corridor with a Large ‘H’ on the wall. Follow that corridor. When it turns left you’ll see a door straight in front of you. Go through there and one of the girls at the desk will take your details and book you in for your enema.

The directions were clear and I had no difficulty following them. There were two girls at the desk. As I approached, the blonde with her back to me turned round . . .

Hi stranger. Not seen you for a while. How’s things? Oops, silly me. Obviously not good or you wouldn’t be here, would you

Er, Hi Wendy’ I replied – sheepishly handing her my form (and wondering, in a large hospital employing hundreds of people, what the odds were of me bumping into the only 2 people I know there in the same day)

Oh Dear’, she said, having looked at my form. ‘You poor thing

I glanced at her

The solicitous words and tone of her voice did not seem to match the twinkle in her eye, nor the suspicion of a smile at the corner of her lips

‘Jesus Christ’, I thought ‘was nothing private in the NHS ?

I just knew that all my friends were soon going to know all about the little medical problem I had been keeping quiet about. Wendy’s next words did nothing to allay my fears.

Have you seen Micky Singh recently? He’s having a bit of a do at his pub on Saturday. There’s loads of the old crowd going. Should be a good night. I saw him a couple of weeks ago and he was asking after you.

I made a mental note to avoid Micky Singh’s pub on the Saturday – certain that whatever vow Wendy had made about preserving confidentiality of patients medical records would not apply in my case, especially after she’d had a few vodkas.

C’mon, Dunc’, she said. It’s quiet today. Ann can look after the desk. Lets you and me just nip through here, so we can be a bit more ‘private’. We’ve got a lot of catching up to do. Besides, I need to talk to you about what to expect and what preparations to make for your ‘procedure’ and give you some leaflets etc.

A look of panic must have swept across my face at the mention of leaflets

Don’t worry’, she laughed ‘I’m not trying to lure you into a stationery cupboard – again !!!

It was fun though, wasn’t it?

For a moment my mind was in the past. I couldn’t recall if the incident whereby I ended up sharing the stationery cupboard with Wendy at the Works Xmas party – entirely innocent as it was – had ever cropped up in conversation with Mrs D.

I rather suspect it hadn’t.

I had made a mental note earlier to avoid Micky Singh’s pub on the Saturday.

I now made another mental note – to avoid Mickey’s pub not just on Saturday but for several weeks beyond that – especially if Mrs D was in my company !!!


In preparation for my ‘procedure’ I had to empty my bowels beforehand by taking ‘industrial strength’ laxatives. Wendy was most insistent that I stop at home and not go to work – advising me to stay close, very close to a toilet once I took the laxative and to make sure there were no closed doors or obstacles that might impede a fast run to the loo when the time came to ‘go’.

Honest, Dunc,’ she said. ‘I’m not bullshitting you. These are very, very strong laxatives and they work very, very fast

I was going to describe what happened when I took the laxative, but I can’t be arsed – especially when Billy Connolly describes it so much better than I ever could !!!

The actual procedure itself I don’t want to talk about. Save to say that it would be difficult to find a more embarrassing/humiliating experience than to have a ‘nozzle’ rammed up your arse, then be pumped full of gunge, while your body is moved from one position to another and scans taken.

A few days later the results came through – ‘no significant abnormality found’

‘Bugger! All that – for bugger all !!

3 Comments leave one →
  1. January 16, 2010 2:57 pm

    You had a bit of a rough spot there, huh… I had my first at the age of 50, no one around that I knew.. But, I think we women are much less uptight and finicky about these kinds of things as we’re always getting things shoved up us.
    So, my sympathy is a bit muted here…. Though I’m glad you were ok.

  2. January 17, 2010 5:41 pm

    BC on colonoscopy and preparation for same is one of his classic spiels, brilliant…

    • January 17, 2010 8:17 pm

      Like I said – how could I hope to provide a better description than that !!!

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