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January 20, 2010

17th Apr 2009

Mrs D and I decided on a weekend break to celebrate our 20th Wedding Anniversary. We found a dog-friendly farm with some cottages for let so packed Wee Rab and Ceilidh in the back of the car with a suitcase and a few bottles of wine to keep us going till we found the local source of supply at our destination


It was OK till we got to Cheltenham. Then it let us down – badly !!!

At first I was inclined to blame Mrs D.

Well she does have ‘form’ with regard to leading me astray, but she protested her innocence – said she was only obeying orders.

‘It says ‘bear right’, she said

‘Well I’ve beared fucken right’, I said. ‘and it isn’t fucken right, is it? It can’t be. I’ve gone the whole length of this fucken High St and there’s no sign of it !!!

What exactly does it say?’

She consulted the bit of paper in her hand.

‘It says – follow the A4019 onto High St then 0.8 ml bear right, then right into Swindon Rd.

‘We were on the A4019′ I said. ‘It merged into the High St.

Shortly after that the road forked, I took the right fork (bear right). Did you see any fucken Swindon Rd on the right?

‘Perhaps we missed it’, She said.

‘You see any fucken Swindon Rd’, I asked – after turning the car and coming down the High St a 2nd time

‘You were driving too fast’, she said,

‘Too fast!’, I replied.

‘How could I drive too fucken fast down this fucken High St. I barely got out of 2nd fucken gear !!!

‘O.K.’, I said – being the reasonable man that I am.

‘I’ll try again – at 5 fucken mph !!!


‘What the fuck’s that stupid bastard behind me tooting his fucken horn for’, I asked Mrs D – as I drove down the fucken High St a 3rd time.

‘You’re driving too slow’, she suggested.


At the bottom of the fucken High St, I turned the fucken car – again !!!

‘You see a fucken Swindon Rd on the right? No? Me neither. You Know what? I don’t think there is any fucken Swindon Rd on the right. I think those fucken directions are a load of fucken bollocks!!!

After 20+ years together Mrs D has learnt to pick up subtle clues from the tone of my voice. She sensed I was not happy – that a slight air of irritation had crept in to my normal placid demeanor. She hesitatingly suggested that perhaps Swindon Rd might be on the left rather than the right of the High St.


Dear Reader, if you have been following the story so far, it will come as no surprise to you to learn that after travelling up and down the High St a 4th time I turned to Mrs D and said –

‘after considerable research and having weighed up all the evidence, it is my considered opinion that there is NO fucken Swindon Rd coming off this fucken High St in any fucken direction, right or fucken left and those directions are a load of fucken crap!!!

What now? She said.

‘Now’, I said. ‘we go back to where the fucken road forked and instead of bearing right like those fucken directions said, we bear left’

About 100 yards after bearing left instead of right, the elusive Swindon Rd appeared on our right.

‘Fucken directions’ said Mrs D.

‘Oi’, I replied ‘Language!!!’

2 Comments leave one →
  1. January 22, 2010 8:10 pm

    what a sailor’s mouth!! 🙂

    I don’t know how in the world I’ve missed your last several posts, but I’m catching up now!

    • January 25, 2010 9:31 am

      Yes, I’ve frequently had occasion to reprimand Mrs D about her unladylike language 🙄

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