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January 29, 2010

24th May 2009

I saw a corpse yesterday.

It was late afternoon. I was cutting the grass in the back garden. I glanced up – and where before there had been nothing – now a skeletal figure with shrunken skull sat on the patio watching me.

I waved

The left hand struggled to lift from the arm of the chair – a twitch of the fingers was all she could manage, the chin barely lifting off her chest.

A feeling of ‘peace’ came over me. The world seemed to be happening outside of me. I was in a bubble that included just me and Mrs D – everything else just a vague background noise that was strangely muffled.

It was the moment I had dreaded. I have felt this ‘disassociation from reality’ twice before – when my mother died and later when my father passed away. Throughout the months since we were told Mrs D had lung cancer I have convinced her to ignore the dire statements from doctors about the time she has left – to listen, instead, to me. I will ‘know’ when her time is running out. She has often asked me if I have had my ‘feeling’ yet and has drawn strength and hope when I have said ‘No’.

I dread the next time she asks me that question for I cannot lie to her. I had my ‘feeling’ today. This is the last summer Mrs D will see in this garden.

Our time together is drawing to a close. I can ‘see’ Mrs D at Xmas but not beyond that.

It will not be long now before I must say goodbye to my love

7 Comments leave one →
  1. January 29, 2010 2:26 am

    Duncs….you two must have really been connected or you are extremely psychic. you were right on with that premonition.

    • January 29, 2010 2:27 am

      BTW….you’ve been on my mind quite a bit lately. I hope you are doing okay.

      • January 29, 2010 1:50 pm

        Mostly I’m O.K., YnB.

        A lot to keep me busy at the moment – sorting out pensions/insurance claims, changing direct debits for outgoings (gas, electricity, council tax etc) to come out of my bank account rather than Mrs D’s + work + MadHattera

        Have moments though when the tears just flow unbidden, which is one of the reasons I’m continuing to work from home for another couple of weeks – don’t want to start crying in an office full of people !!!

        I miss Anita terribly. There’s just such a gaping hole in my life now. I’m alive, but I’m not really living – just existing. Fortunately No 2 son and a couple of really good friends have been a great support to me – although I’m wary of leaning on them too much – ultimately I am responsible for my own life !!!

    • January 29, 2010 1:52 pm

      Wouldn’t make any claim to being psychic, YnB.

      But I’m a Celt – and just occasionally I get such a strong ‘sense’ of ‘what’s to be’ or ‘something’s amiss’

      Only happens rarely and I need to have an emotional attachement to the other person.

      But when it does, I trust it completely

      • January 30, 2010 5:18 am

        No matter how much time one has to prepare such a thing, there is nothing to help the massive void when it actually does happen. i think it is a good thing that you do have tears. i remember when my dad passed away, all us kids were concerned about my mom because she kept holding in her tears because she said she didn’t want to cry. We all think that is why she still has a difficult time even talking about him now, almost 7 years later. Her voice starts quivering and her eyes get all glassy, but she won’t have a good cry. I know everyone has there own way of grieving, but tears seem the most natural. And, this is the time to take advantage of friendships. There’s not much friends can offer at times like these, but a shoulder to cry on is something that allows them to feel they are helping in some way. Here’s a big hug for you Duncs ((o))!!

  2. January 29, 2010 6:04 pm

    Take any support offered dunca, you will need it in the weeks and months to come…

  3. February 2, 2010 1:55 am

    “I’m just existing” you say.. I think that’s a part of the process.. finding ways to hold on while you adjust and grieve. My guess is the tears will be with you sporadically for a long time. Let your family and friends help. It’s their way of grieving as well….

    take care

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