How Much ???

22nd Jul 2009

I nearly had a heart attack yesterday.

Mrs D passed me a piece of paper – ‘What do you think of that?’ she asked

‘Very nice’, I replied. ‘What’s it for?’

‘My funeral’, she said.

I looked again at the piece of paper. I looked at the price – £9.85 a head. I looked at the cost of the room hire – £100

‘What do you mean – you’re funeral?’ I asked.

‘My wake. That’s where I want you to hold my wake’, she replied

‘But I’ve got that all sorted’, I said. ‘It’s only a short 5 minute walk from the Crem to our ‘local’. Some ham and cheese rolls, selection of crisps, sausages on sticks – that’s all folk need. Not all this fancy nosh at £10 a head.’

She fixed me with a glare – ‘You’re not holding my wake in the pub!’

‘But it’s traditional’, I replied. ‘Everyone has a bit of a do in the pub after the crem’

‘Well I’m not’, she replied. ‘I want a proper send off. Not just another ’session’ in the pub. And don’t think I won’t know if you try and do this on the cheap’, she said. ‘cos I’ll be watching’

‘You’ll be a pile of cinders’, I replied.

‘That’s what you think, ya bloody heathen. I’m telling you, there’s something else. I saw my Dad last night. He said not to be afraid – he’s waiting for me. And I’ll be watching you, when I’m gone. I’ll prove to you there’s something else after this’

‘Fuck’, I muttered under my breath – mentally calculating how many folk would be likely to attend her funeral and what it was going to set me back at £10 a head

‘You sure you don’t want a quiet funeral – just close family, and a couple of friends ?’